As I may or may not have mentioned, my boyfriend is on tour for five weeks. He’s been gone two weeks today, and I miss him terribly. I thought this would be a breeze since I have so much going on with school and work (I’m currently in a 23-day straight stint of no days off – school during the week and work on the weekends), that time would just fly since I have a lot to focus on.
But I’m really feeling his absence. I’m so used to having him here to talk to, having him available to answer my texts, just having him available. I’m used to being able to cuddle with him in the evening as I wind down from the day, run my ideas by him for papers, and he’s not here. He’s in a different time zone and has to follow different rules. I don’t have access to him like I did.
It’s really difficult being without him.
Last night I had a dream that the tour came through the area, that he was home for just 24 hours before he headed on to the next spot. It was so vivid. I was so happy I kept saying, “I must be dreaming, this can’t be real.” To test myself I would look at the clock, which I could read perfectly (it read 11:41pm), I could read titles on the spines of books. I stubbed my toe. It hurt. We went out. Did things. Drove around. Ate. I was so convinced that I had him back just for a little bit. I saw him off, saw him climb back in the tour van and leave to the next destination.
I woke up. It had been a dream. I hadn’t had him for a day. I don’t know if I should be grateful for the illusion that I was convinced was real to briefly satisfy my longing, or if it just increased how much I miss him.
I don’t know how those married to spouses in the military handle it. Five weeks, and it’s just about half way done, and I’m already a wreck. Sometimes you take for granted how much a person is there until they’re gone.