I could just be having a more optimistic day, but I feel like I’m getting my steam back. That’s not to say that at the end of my English class today I’ll be ready and pumped to go to my Communications class, but at least I feel more confident with it, and I also know that a particular member of my group that I keep butting heads with wont be in class today, which makes it less stressful.
I actually didn’t realize how much anxiety dealing with him was causing me. He sent out an email a couple days ago saying he wasn’t going to be in, and sent his portion of the project. I find that he talks down just a little bit to me, and I don’t know if it’s because he doesn’t like me, if it’s because I’m a girl, or maybe he’s just piss-poor at communicating.
However, being in a group with him has so far caused me some anxiety about the class, and in fact caused me to just miss out on it all together last week because I couldn’t handle the idea of dealing with him. Though, I suppose it’s a good thing that we’re in an communications class.
I recently have been coming into this situation a lot, actually. There are a lot of people surrounding me that have bigger energy than me, and in my split second of weighing whether or not it’s worth going up against that energy, I decide to be a bendy tree, and just let it all wash over me. Then when I do decide to stand up for myself, I get told I’m out of line, or that I’m being a bitch. Hmm.
I also can’t organize my ideas when I’m on the spot. I will bring up a point, and whoever I’m bitting heads with will either say that I’ve completely misinterpreted the situation, or that it didn’t happen, or whatever. I allow too much margin for personal error, trying to be real and fair that it could possibly be my own interpretation or memory isn’t entirely accurate. However, since I am such a huge advocate of leading by example, in my naivety, I expect people to see that is what I am doing, and examine themselves for the same trait. It never works out. Then I get trampled all over.
This guy in my communications class reminds me a lot of those people that trample me, that when I go to him and say, “hey, I feel like you talk down to me and are unwilling to hear our ideas as a group, and I would like our voices to be heard, and for you to watch your dismissive, high and mighty tone,” (obviously, I wouldn’t say it like that) he will turn it around and make it seem like it’s in my head or whatever.
And so, I dread my Communications class. Kind of ironic that I can’t seem to communicate well in that class.