The Fear

As I have mentioned in entries past, I have been experiencing anxiety in areas of my life. The anxiety is slowly waning, but it is certainly having an affect on my classes. Whereas the anxiety started out in a personal pocket of my life, as that area improves and stabilizes, the knots of fear and worry snake their tendrils into other weaker aspects – such as my Communications class. 

This class has been the source of some anxiety all quarter. I have written about how I’m not fond of the group work, and the length and time of the class is horrendously distracting – never mind the homework reading load as well! 

We have a midterm which is due tomorrow. It’s a test which we can team up with other classmates and work on, and we have had it since last Thursday. It’s not too bad of a test, really. Nothing I can’t handle. However, I didn’t get to it over the weekend, and worked on it a bit on Monday. Our teacher suggested the test would take us at least 5 hours to complete, and I found myself brisking through it in an hour, getting at least half of it done (whether or not everything was correct is an entirely different matter). 

I worked on it some more between classes, as well as worked on research for our group speech which we will presenting on Tuesday. By the time I entered my English Class (which is the class before my Communications class) yesterday, I for once was feeling confident and caught up. I felt as though I could get through this, that I could face my group and say yes! I have done my part!

However, as the end of English neared, I felt that familiar knot in my stomach forming. little jolts of nerves wiggled down my arms and legs to the tips of my fingers. I ignored them, and did so successfully until I was exiting the building and making my way to the next class.

I couldn’t handle it. My breathing started getting shallower, and my feet stopped. They didn’t want to take me into the next building. 

I called my boyfriend and started crying as I talked to him, hoping he would tell me that everything is just fine, there’s no need to panic or worry, that it’s just a class. 

I got off the phone, and took some deep breaths, forcing myself to regain composure. 

The class, of course, was just fine. She answered some questions about the test, gave us some tips and hints on how to go about it, handed back out grades on our first speeches we did (I don’t think she paid very much attention to mine. I got a 100% and she said I did good with eye-contact when I know full well my eyes were rolling around in my head without rhyme or reason other than to stop myself from breaking down and screaming in front of the class), and had us meet with our groups to work on our up-coming speeches. 

The member of our group that has been causing the most anxiety suddenly was nowhere near as intimidating as he was in my head, and in fact, became quite human in that he revealed I was further along than him in my section of responsibility. 

Everything was just fine. There was no reason to be as terrified as I have been. It’s been build-up in my head. 

That’s the thing about anxiety – it is pure fear. It’s stress that has evolved into illogical fear that the brain doesn’t know what to do with, so it just assigns a place for it and makes up a bunch of crap to validate it (obviously, this isn’t always the case, sometimes there is complete just cause for the anxiety/fear). 

I just have to remember this, next time it gets bad again.

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