The Implications of My Recent Ridiculousness

With everything muddling around in my brain, I keep trying to figure out what my best options are. I can continue with my plan for Durham, which was my top choice of the schools I applied to. However, it means I have to wait until next October before I can start school. I only wanted to go to school here because at the time tuition was going to be cheaper (except now it’ll be £900 more next year, which means it’s no longer cheaper that the other schools I was looking at) and because I wanted to be closer to Granny. She’s no longer here.

If I go back to the states, with a little luck, I can be back in school for winter quarter, spring quarter at the latest. I could start at Western and transfer to another school when I’m more stable. I would have more options for student loans and I would be eligible for scholarships.

However, if I leave here, I don’t know that I’ll come back to the UK again. I don’t have a reason to. I mean, I have a couple of friends, of course, and I have extended family, but I’m not particularly close with my family. I don’t know that I’d make the journey across the pond again.

The other thing to consider as well is my location. I am so very grateful to my boss/land lord. He’s been so supportive and fantastic. However, after January, there will be very little work, if there’s anything at all. Where I’m at is a tourist village and it mostly shuts down in the winter. If I can’t find some work, then I don’t have anything to do or any way of supporting myself from January to April (the village begins to wake up again at Easter).

As it is, I’m working three days a week, and spending a lot of time contemplating my situation, trying to decide if I can make it through the winter and just keep on with my goal to go to Durham, or if I should not waste time and go to school somewhere in the States.

I miss the days when I had a set plan I was working towards. I really did mess this all up. I was so close, too.


Searching for the Moon

I’ve been in hiding. I’ve been hiding from WordPress, unsure how I should write about everything that has been happening with me, or whether I should write about it at all. In the end, this blog is about my journey as a mature student navigating her way through to a higher education. This blog was started before I had my first class at the community college, and part of the journey is who I am as an individual. So yes, I will write about what has been happening in the last few weeks.

A week and a half ago I found out that my partner had been cheating on me. This is the person who wanted to travel to the UK with me, be my support and so on. So, four days before our anniversary I bought him a train ticket to the airport and he went home.

I spent the next couple of days of course heartbroken, but also in deep contemplation, and experiencing a lot of anger. I altered my plans because we couldn’t find a place to live because he wasn’t a student. So I put off school for a year so we could work on getting settled over the winter. I altered my plans because I thought we were building something together.

I felt lost. I wanted to give up school altogether and just go home. I felt stupid for thinking that I should be trying to better myself, that I was ever going to be anything more than I am, which at this point is a waitress floating from disposable job to disposable job. My compromise to myself was that I would go home and try and get into Western Washington University, if for no other reason than because I needed to finish something.

Two days after he left, I received a text from my uncle letting me know that my grandmother here in the UK was in her final hours. At the very beginning of this blog I wrote an entry explaining why I started looking at schools in the UK, my grandmother being the main reason for it. I wanted to be close to her. So when I found this out, I got in my car and drove the four hours (plus an hour and a half of getting lost) to the residential home she was in, and was able to hold her hand as she passed on. I was the only one there, and really didn’t know what to do. My mom booked a hotel nearby for me, and I went and hid out there for the night, falling obnoxiously ill with a cold.img_4733

The next day I went to Warwick, trying to find some inspiration for what I should be doing. I figured that being in Shakespeare country should do the trick to get my head back in the game. But, again, I was simply lost. As I mentioned before, my reasoning for wanting to be in the UK was because I wanted to be near Granny, and now she is gone. My partner is gone. I am alone. Between the hurt of my partner’s betrayal and the mourning of the most inspirational person I have ever known, I was a wreck. I wasn’t eating, and I couldn’t even focus on the history that was around me. I was just wandering, and every now and then dropping into pubs or coffee shops to get out of the cold, and just staring at whatever I ordered.img_4731

Finally I booked myself another hotel and just hid out until the next day. I turned the heat up in the room, took a bath, watched television, wrote, and ordered terrible food at the restaurant. I needed it.

The following day I was feeling a little better, and went to Stratford-upon-
Avon. Again, I fell into the same lethargy as before, unable to focus on what was around me. And I could only find hour parking that I had to pay for, so I made my way back to North Wales after my parking ran out.

It was a beautiful drive. The leaves are late in turning and falling, it would seem, and so I drove through the hills and woods, enjoying the sun and the orange, reds, brows and yellows. Fall is my fimg_4729avorite season, which essentially helped my mood. That is until three stupid pheasants decided to cross the nice windy road. I hit one of them, which was terrifying. I’ve never hit an animal before, in my 13 years of driving.

I couldn’t stand the idea of being in the village, so I went further into the hills to see a friend of mine when I got back into North Wales. I hadn’t seen him since the last time I was over here for Christmas, right before I got laid off from my job which started me on this whole journey. It was nice seeing him, and what’s more, he was the first person that I could fully talk to about everything, face to face. All my family and friends have been very supportive, but they’ve all been over a screen. It was nice to just let everything out face to face with someone.

This was on Monday that I came back to Wales. I didn’t really think things could get any worse. However, as the whole world knows, it did get worse with the announcement of the winner of the presidency. This is something for another post. However, I will say that I cried. And what’s more, I continued to shed tears as I read horror stories of the harassment my friends were getting for not being white, for not being straight, for not being cis, for not being a man. These are amazing people who offer the world so much, and the world just can’t accept them for existing.

There’s more regarding the implications of everything that’s happened in the last week and how it influences my education, but that too will be for another entry. For now, the icing on the cake so far (who knows, there might be another layer of cake coming!) is that my car won’t start. We bought the car with the intention of my partner using it as something to keep him occupied. Now it won’t start, I can’t seem to jump it. So now I’m stuck. I should have gone grocery shopping when I had the chance the other day.

However, after having a very long day in which I was feeling very sorry for myself after a night out last night, I made plans with my hilly friend to go and try and find a place that the clouds weren’t so we could catch the Super Moon tonight. It was after I hauled myself out of bed and through the general cleaning rituals that I discovered my car only wants to click when I try to jump it.  It won’t start. I really was looking forward to searching for the moon.